When “Use Your Words” Breaks Trust: Why Autistic Kids Deserve Better

Have you ever seen a thirsty autistic child walk to the fridge, only to be blocked by an adult saying, “Use your words”?

I’ve seen it more times than I can count.

The child, who already took the massive step of noticing their thirst, initiating a motor plan, and getting themselves to the fridge, now faces an unnecessary obstacle. They’re told they can’t meet their own need until they say the right words.

Let’s pause here.

What if they can’t say the words in that moment?

What if speech isn’t accessible?

What if the demand itself- the adult standing in the way of a basic need- triggers fight-or-flight?

Here’s the truth: The action of walking to the fridge was already communication. It was functional, clear, and meaningful. And when we honor that, we validate the child’s ability to recognize their own needs and take steps to meet them.

But when we block that access by deciding their way of communicating isn’t “good enough,” we do more than disrupt the moment. We chip away at trust. We teach the child that their body’s signals don’t matter, their own communication isn’t valid, and that the adults around them are unpredictable barriers, not safe partners.

And if you’re thinking, But don’t they need to learn to ask for things? I get it. I used to think that too.

But the way kids learn to use language, especially gestalt language processors, isn’t through forced performance. It’s through natural language modeling.

If, instead of blocking access, we said, “I’m thirsty! Let’s get a drink!” we’re doing so much more than narrating the moment. We’re giving the child language in a safe, connected context. We’re showing them how their needs and experiences map onto words. We’re making it clear that communication is about connection not compliance.

And that is what builds communication that lasts.

Here’s What You Can Do:

• Notice all the ways your child already communicates through actions, gestures, or scripts.

• Model language without pressure: “I’m thirsty!” or “Let’s get water.”

• Trust that when the child feels safe and capable, they will use language.

• Shift your own mindset: Communication is already happening. Our job is to honor it, not demand it.

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