Why Withholding Toys Won’t Build Communication—and What to Do Instead
I recently heard from a paraprofessional who shared a common yet concerning practice: withholding toys and other objects out of reach from autistic students and requiring the student to do something before getting it. And then, usually, repeating this 50 times, over and over again.
The child she described had happily chosen some stuffed animals and started playing.
And then, an adult walked over and took them away.
Imagine being that child—deeply engaged in play, only to have an adult remove your toys. Would you feel eager to communicate with them? Would you feel safe, understood, and motivated to engage?
And then, as if that weren’t frustrating enough, the adult added another layer of demands: the child had to ask for each toy individually before getting them back.
This strategy, often used with the belief that more "trials" of communication will lead to progress, usually has the opposite effect.
Instead of fostering connection, it creates frustration. Instead of encouraging natural communication, it turns interactions into compliance-based transactions.
And let’s be honest—transactional interactions don’t lead to true, meaningful communication.
Why Withholding Objects Doesn’t Work
The mindset behind this approach comes from a compliance-based framework, where adults track communication attempts as data points rather than prioritizing the child’s genuine engagement.
But communication isn’t just about pluses and minuses on a data collection sheet.
It’s a dynamic, interactive exchange that thrives on a foundation of connection.
Without that connection, real progress won’t happen. Instead, you’ll see:
Shutdowns or disengagement – The child might stop trying altogether.
Compliance, but disconnection – Some kids will go through the motions because they’ve learned that’s what’s expected. But it won’t build a desire to communicate.
Negative associations – The adult becomes someone who takes instead of someone who supports.
I’ve never seen a child light up with excitement at the sight of the adult who withholds their toys.
I’ve never seen a child run joyfully toward the person who takes their favorite things.
I’ve never seen a child communicate to their highest potential with an adult who focuses on control rather than connection.
What to Do Instead: Connection-Driven Strategies
If we want to support autistic kids in developing meaningful communication, we need to stop using this strategy. Here’s what I’d recommend instead:
1. Follow Their Lead
Instead of deciding what the child should communicate about, observe what they’re naturally engaged in. If they gravitate toward stuffed animals, join in on their play rather than disrupting it. Instead of taking toys away, be a play partner by observing what the child is doing and adding natural language. This keeps the interaction engaging and allows the child to absorb language at their own pace, without pressure.
For example, as the child reaches for a stuffed animal, we can model, “Let’s get the teddy bear!” If they can’t get it because it’s out of reach, we can be their partner by grabbing the toy and handing it over while modeling, “It’s a bear!” We want to model language as we are doing the action, as opposed to modeling language before giving access, which puts pressure on the child and places a demand that they have to do something to get something.
2. Model Language in a Natural Way
Instead of requiring that the child requests each item, model natural, engaging language within the play:
“Ooooh, the bear is sleeping! Shhh!”
“The bunny is jumping! Hop, hop, hop!”
“The lion says ROAR! So loud!”
This way, communication is meaningful, not forced. When we make kids ask for something over and over again, we aren’t offering them the opportunity to expand their communication functions. Instead, we can model for a variety of purposes, such as protesting, directing actions, and commenting. For example, if the child is playing with stuffed animals, we can model, “NO! STOP!” when the lion pretends to chase the bear, etc.
3. Create Opportunities, Not Demands
Rather than taking toys away, you can create natural opportunities for communication:
Pausing play slightly to see if they indicate wanting more. Remember, this does not have to be with done with speech. Many times, our autistic kids will indicate that they are having fun and would like us to continue with a facial expression, action, or look of anticipation. All of these modalities should be honored!
Using fun exaggerated actions (like making a stuffed animal “fly” away) to spark engagement.
Introducing a small problem to solve together (like pretending a toy is “stuck” and needs help).
4. Prioritize Relationship Over Requests
Connection should always come first. If a child trusts you, feels safe with you, and knows you respect their autonomy, they’ll naturally communicate more over time—not because they have to, but because they want to.
Take the Next Step
If you want more strategies like this to support autistic kids in a truly child-led way, I’ve got something for you!
Download my free guide to creating communication opportunities below!
This quick guide will walk you through practical, neuro-affirming strategies to foster natural communication—without compliance-based methods.
