The Power of Co-Regulation on Communication With Autistic Learners
When we think about supporting an autistic child's communication, our minds often go straight to language—how they express themselves, how we model words, or what strategies we can use to help them expand their communication. But before we even get to language, there’s something much deeper at play: co-regulation.
Co-regulation is the process of providing a child with the emotional and sensory support they need to feel safe, connected, and understood. It's the foundation for learning, interacting, and yes—communication. But here’s the key: before we can co-regulate with a child, we must first regulate ourselves.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is a two-way street. It’s the way we, as adults, help a child manage their emotions, sensory experiences, and nervous system states by being a calm, steady presence. It’s not about controlling their emotions or forcing regulation—it’s about offering them a safe space where they can regulate with us.
For autistic kids, co-regulation is particularly important because their nervous systems can be more sensitive to sensory input, stress, and changes in routine. When an adult is dysregulated—frustrated, overwhelmed, or scattered—it can make it much harder for the child to find a sense of safety and regulation.
That’s why the first step of co-regulation is self-regulation.
Step One: Regulate Yourself First
Think about a time when you were feeling completely overwhelmed—maybe work was stressful, your to-do list was growing, and then suddenly, your child started melting down. How easy was it to stay calm in that moment?
When we are dysregulated, our nervous systems communicate that to the child. If we’re tense, rushing, or frustrated, they sense it. And if they’re already struggling with regulation, they may feed off our dysregulation, making it harder for them to calm down or engage in meaningful communication.
Before we can be a source of co-regulation, we have to check in with ourselves:
✅ How am I feeling right now?
✅ Am I calm, or am I carrying stress?
✅ What do I need in this moment to feel more regulated?
Sometimes, self-regulation means taking a deep breath, stepping away for a moment, or grounding yourself before responding to a dysregulated child. Other times, it means recognizing patterns in your own stress levels and prioritizing daily self-care that helps you stay regulated over time.
Step Two: Be the Calm in Their Storm
Once we’ve regulated ourselves, we can provide the co-regulation that an autistic child needs to feel safe and supported. Here are some ways to do that:
1. Offer a Predictable, Safe Presence
When a child is dysregulated—whether they’re overstimulated, frustrated, or shut down—the best thing we can do is show up with a predictable energy. Speak gently, slow your movements, and let them know you are there for them without pressure.
2. Follow Their Lead
Co-regulation isn’t about forcing a child to engage in calming activities; it’s about meeting them where they are. If a child needs to rock, jump, spin, or retreat to a quiet space—honor that. Let them regulate in a way that feels right for their body.
3. Model Regulation Strategies
Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try modeling regulation strategies for them:
🌀 “I’m going to take some deep breaths. Want to do it with me?”
🌀 “Let’s squeeze a pillow together and let the big feelings out.”
🌀 “I’m going to hum a song. Want to listen?”
When children see us regulating in real-time, they start to absorb those strategies, even if they don’t use them right away.
Why Co-Regulation Leads to Better Communication
When a child feels safe, connected, and regulated, they are much more likely to engage in communication. Here’s why:
A dysregulated brain can’t learn. If a child is in a stress response (fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown), they are not in a state to process language or social interactions. Co-regulation helps move them to a calmer state where learning is possible.
Communication thrives in connection. When a child trusts that you are a safe, regulating presence, they are more likely to seek you out for comfort, interaction, and, eventually, communication.
Gestalt Language Processors learn through connection. For children who process language in chunks (gestalt language processors), co-regulation creates the emotional safety needed to build connections, which leads to more spontaneous language over time.
Take the First Step Toward Co-Regulation Today
If you want to support an autistic child's communication, the best place to start is with your own self-regulation.
By regulating yourself first, you create the foundation for meaningful co-regulation—and, in turn, deeper communication, trust, and connection.
Because when we feel safe, we connect. And when feel connected, we learn to communicate. 💛
Download my FREE Self-Regulation Guide for Parents & Professionals to identify your personal regulation strategies so you can show up as the steady, calming presence your child needs.
