Encouraging Requesting Without Withholding Objects

When supporting autistic children’s communication, it’s important to create an environment where communication emerges naturally, without relying on withholding objects to prompt requests.

Withholding can create frustration and erode trust, but how can we encourage communication without using this strategy?

Here are 10 strategies that encourage requesting and communication while honoring the child’s autonomy and needs:

1. Use Declarative Language

Instead of placing demands on the child to “say” or “ask” for something, narrate what you’re doing or observing. For example:

• “I see you’re reaching for the ball. Let’s get it!” 

This provides a natural model of language without creating pressure. Over time, the child may pick up and use similar phrases in their own communication.

2. Create Opportunities Without Forcing Requests

Rather than withholding items, create natural opportunities for the child to express interest. For instance, place preferred items in sight but slightly out of reach (e.g., on a shelf or inside a clear bin). When the child shows interest, respond by modeling language:

• “It’s a car! I’ll get it!” 

Immediately handing over the item reinforces that their communication is effective and valued.

3. Model Simple Phrase

While engaging in play, model simple power phrases that the child might use when requesting, such as:

• “Let’s get it!” 

• “I want that!” 

Even if the child doesn’t repeat the phrase, hearing functional language in context supports their learning and development.

4. Offer Choices

Give the child choices proactively to support decision-making and communication:

• Hold up two toys and ask, “Do you want the car or the train?”

Accept any form of response—a verbal answer, pointing, reaching, or eye gaze—as valid communication.

5. Honor All Communication Attempts

Acknowledge and respond positively to any form of communication, such as gestures, sounds, or looks. For example:

• If the child reaches for a puzzle piece, respond by saying, “I want the puzzle!” as you help them reach it. 

This builds trust and encourages the child to continue communicating in ways that feel natural to them.

6. Use AAC

Model language on robust AAC to offer the child another modality for communication. As we do with verbal modeling, remember to model language without expectation on the device. Model as the child is reaching or doing something to help put words with actions. 

7. Follow Their Lead

Engage with the child on their terms, without requiring specific responses. For example:

• If they’re playing with cars, join in by commenting on their play or mimicking their actions. Comment playfully, such as “It’s so fast!”

This creates a safe, low-pressure environment for communication to emerge naturally.

8. Encourage Participation Through Play

Use playful, interactive activities that naturally invite requests. For instance:

• Bubbles: Blow a few bubbles, then pause and model language like, “More bubbles?” or “Again!” before continuing.

If the child doesn’t respond, continue the activity anyway to keep the play engaging and enjoyable.

9. Model As You Provide Access

Give the child the item they’re seeking *AS* you model language for future opportunities. For example:

• Hand them the ball as you say, “ball!” 

This approach removes any frustration around access while still supporting language development.

10. Respect “No” or Lack of Response

If the child doesn’t engage or shows disinterest, respect their boundaries. This teaches that their communication—even if it’s a lack of response—is valid and will be honored.

Supporting autistic kids’ communication doesn’t require withholding or frustration. By creating an environment filled with opportunities, trust, and honoring all forms of communication, we can empower them to express themselves in ways that feel natural and affirming. Every interaction is a chance to build connection and confidence—no withholding required!