You Don’t Have to Perform to Be a Good Parent or Therapist—Let Connection Lead Instead
Ever feel like you’re starring in a solo stand up comedy show called speech therapy?
Same same same.
So many of us—SLPs, educators, and parents—have internalized the idea that supporting autistic kids means being “on” all the time. Big voices, exaggerated emotions, constant energy. And let’s be honest… it’s exhausting.
But what if the secret to real connection and communication isn’t more performance?
What if it’s less?
Why We Feel Like We Have to Perform
When I started out, I believed I had to entertain my students to keep them engaged. I used silly voices, nonstop narrating, over-the-top enthusiasm... and sure, it sometimes worked in the moment. But at the end of the day, I was drained—and my students were often overstimulated, confused, or disengaged.
Looking back, I see it clearly. I was performing, not connecting.
Here’s why that’s such a common trap:
We were trained to do something every moment of the session.
We associate attention with eye contact and task compliance.
We weren’t taught to recognize the real signs of engagement with autistic kids
So we keep performing. Because silence feels wrong. Because we’re scared of missing a “teachable moment.” Because we don’t want to look like we’re doing nothing.
But here’s the truth: those slow, quiet, connected moments? That’s where communication grows.
Real Connection Starts With Regulation
We can’t expect our kids to communicate when their nervous systems aren’t regulated. And we can’t support their regulation when we’re operating at level 100.
One of the biggest shifts I made was learning to match my student’s energy—not override it. If they came in high-energy, I’d meet them there and then slowly down-regulate toward a more neutral state. If they were slow and quiet, I’d get curious, not louder.
This isn’t about pulling kids into our world. It’s about noticing what they’re telling us—through movement, silence, gestures—and entering their world first.
Because once we do that?
We can co-create something together.
What to Do Instead of Performing
If you’ve been feeling like every session (or every playtime at home) has to be a non-stop performance- here’s your permission to stop.
I invite you to replace the performance with presence!
Here are three ways to do that:
1. Start With Co-Regulation
Check in before you jump in. Is the child showing signs of high or low energy? Are they seeking input or avoiding it? Offer what’s needed—movement, deep pressure, quiet space—before expecting communication.
2. Let the Silence Work for You
It might feel uncomfortable at first. But that silence? That’s space. That’s time. That’s opportunity for the child to initiate.
When we fill every second with talking or prompting, we’re taking up all the space in the interaction. Step back and let them take their turn.
3. Follow, Don’t Lead
What are they noticing? What are they holding, doing, moving toward? That’s the starting point. Whether it’s a favorite toy or a repeated script, we can join them, not redirect them.
Because honoring their communication—whatever form it takes—is the foundation for growth.
Real Progress Isn’t Flashy—It’s Felt
A few years ago, one of my students walked into our session and just sat there in his winter coat, staring into space. I had no idea how to really engage with him, so I responded by activating full-on entertainer mode. Silly songs. Endless questions. High energy.
It didn’t work.
But when I learned to slow down, meet him where he was, and wait—something shifted. He started to want to connect with me. One session, I gave him lots of space as he explore an iPad that he needed help with. After a few moments of silence, he handed it to me to communicate that it wasn’t working. I modeled “I need help.” He said, “Help.”
That was a breakthrough. And it came from silence. From presence.
This is what child-led, affirming support really looks like.
Not performance. Not perfection. Just connection.
Want to Learn the Tools I Use in Real Sessions?
Listen to the full podcast episode, Feeling Drained? You Don’t Have to Be “On” All The Time on Let Them Lead.
Because when we stop performing… real communication has space to blossom.
